Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
