Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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