he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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