its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
