You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
there was a trapeze. enough said
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
