remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
