And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
