My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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