the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
