I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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