So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
