I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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