So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
