Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
