I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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