I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
