stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
