Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
