I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
