I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
