what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
