i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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