You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
