whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
