He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
