My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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