I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
sarcasm needs its own font
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
