No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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