he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
