well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
