you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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