Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
