My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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