Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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