Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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