YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
