lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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