Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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