How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Randomize
