well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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