You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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