The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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