The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
