Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
