u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
