Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
