If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
