I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
