woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
