birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
