woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
