mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
