I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize