i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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