He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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