the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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